Intro to Buccaneer Welfare
by colourmehappy
Summary: Jeff buys Britta a cat for graduation. Based on a prompt for HLWIM ficathon.


Intro to Buccaneer Welfare

'Hey, remember that time he fell asleep in his food bowl, half way through eating his dinner?'

'Or, that time he threw up in my shoe.' He responded.

'Jeff.' She warned. 'And, there was that time he got his feet all tangled up in the piece of string he was playing with.' Her voice returning to its previous wistful nature.

'Then, that time when he threw up in my other shoe.'

'How about the morning he brought in a half eaten frog? He looked so proud of himself.'

'Yeah, soooooo cute!' He replied sarcastically, not looking up from his Blackberry.

Britta chose to ignore him, and continue to reminisce about Daniel. 'He would do that funny little thing with his tail.' She let out a small chuckle just picturing it, but her mouth turned down once again after the memory passed.

'Remember the time he got stuck in a paper bag?' He suggested. The photo of said incident, he had just come across on his phone.

'Yeah.' She couldn't help but smile. 'See, I knew you had fond memories of him too, Jeff.'

'No.. That wasn't...' He began to protest, but the forlorn expression on her face made him pause. 'Yeah.' However, he wasn't willing to concede entirely. 'Just a few, a handful really. In fact, I think I could count them on one hand.'

Britta gave him a look.

* * *

'Before we go in, I want to tell you something. Well, more like give you something.'

Britta shot him a confused look. They were standing in her building's hallway, just outside her door. She couldn't see any gift on him, unless it was something small and it was in one of his pockets – that in itself was enough to send alarm bells ringing in her head. The panic must have been written on her face, because he swiftly added that 'it was nothing like that.' So her brain jumped to the next thing.

'Ew Jeff, not out here! There are people coming in and out the building, you horn dog.'

'No... What? Britta!' A smile crept on his face. 'Unless, you want to, you know.'

'Shut up.'

'I got you a cat, you idiot.'

'You got me a cat?!'

'Uhh.' He sighed. 'Yes. I got you a cat.'

Her eyebrows knitted together, it was not the time to be making fun of her.

'Now, before you go on a tirade about irresponsible breeding, and overpopulation in the kitty world, I would like you to know I got him at the shelter.' He couldn't help but look a little smug at that bit. 'And, I asked the guy for the least adoptable cat they had.'

'Jeff, I don't know what to say!' But the smile on her face said it all to him. 'You got me a cat!' She radiated surprise, and happiness, and he couldn't help but get a contact high from the waves elation that rolled off of her.

'Well,' he dragged out. 'Technically, he's my cat because of the mountain of forms I had to sign, and the shelter policy, but...'

'Aww Jeff, you bought _us_ a cat!' She half mocked.

'No. No, no, no.' He shook his head a bit too vigorously. 'I said, 'technically'. I may have paid for the cat, but you will look after the cat. _You_ will feed it, clean up after it.' He could not emphasize 'you' enough. 'And hey! If you want you can even dress him up.' He added with false enthusiasm. '_Your,' _he paused briefly to make sure she was paying attention, because that bit was a very important distinction, 'cat. Your cat.'

'_Our_ cat,' she couldn't help but add. She revelled in any opportunity to make him squirm. 'You know Jeff, owning this cat together is a _big_ commitment. Are you sure you are ready?' Her tone full of teasing, and a smile danced across her face.

'Do you want to meet him, or not?'

'Duh!'

* * *

They entered Britta's bedroom quietly so as not to disturb the new resident, but as soon as the door opened the cat was at their feet to greet them. Deprived of love for years, he was clearly desperate to be in the company of others. Britta immediately crouched down and returned the love.

'Now, he only has three legs,' started Jeff.

'Well yes, I can see, Jeff.' She said, indignantly.

The man rolled his eyes and continued. 'But I figured that there isn't much between going from a one-eyed cat to a three-legged cat.' Then, he was quick to add, 'And, also you clearly have a thing for broken things so he's perfect for you.'

She turned her attention back to the cat, who was sitting between her knees. 'And what's your name, little guy?'

Jeff sighed, he could not believe she was addressing that question to the cat. The cat: the animal unable to communicate in spoken words. She really was ridiculous sometimes.

'His name is Pirate.' He answered on behalf of the cat, because ostensibly Pirate was not going to respond himself. Before she could ask the cat any more pressing questions, he decided to fill her in. 'He's 5 years old. He was found after being hit by a car, hence the leg amputation.'

Britta gasped at that, and pulled the cat up into her arms, and hugged him close. 'It's okay, I'll keep you safe now.' She then turned back to Jeff, and as if not to disturb the cat in her arms, whispered furiously, 'How can people be so cruel?! This is why a planet with fewer...'

'I'm going to stop you there.' But she opened her mouth as if to continue, so Jeff carried on speaking. 'Whilst I am sure what you have to say is very important, I just don't care.' He broke the last part down slowly, with slight pauses between each word, for extra emphasis.

She let out a 'hmmph' of annoyance, which prompted him to tack on 'Yes, hitting cats with cars is bad. People are bad.'

Pirate began to wiggle, deciding he'd rather have all three feet on the ground, so Jeff and Britta moved to the bed, and settled with him between them. They watched him get accustomed to the softer surface, and find his balance. He wobbled as he loped between the two of them.

'He kind of walks like you when you've a had a few too many vodkas.' Jeff laughed.

'Hey!' She exclaimed, as hit him softly with the back of her hand, being extra careful not to frighten her new pet.

'On account of his lack of front leg, the adoption man explained to me a few things, which I shall now pass on to you.' Jeff began. 'First, he has difficulty moving quickly, so watch where you tread, and any sudden, and loud noises will make him try run, so he'll most likely fall flat on his face. Make sure all food, toys, yada yada yada, are on the floor. He can't jump up on to things, which is great, because I will no longer have to make coffee under the scrutiny of a creature that does not even possess opposable thumbs.' She shot him a sideways glance to keep him in check. 'So to summarise, your disabled cat can't do everything a normal cat can; be patient with him.'

'He's not disabled! He's differently-abled. And he shall not face oppression under this roof.' She spoke passionately. 'I'll outfit the apartment to have more disabled access. He's going to need a ramp up to the couch and bed. You can help.'

Jeff could not hold back a groan. 'Fine. But just so you know, I won't be happy about it, and I'll do it with great reluctance. Also, I'm doing it for the cat, not for you.'

'Fine.' They sat in silence accompanied by a rumble of purrs.

Britta was the one to speak first, and interrupt the peace. 'Do you think it's a bit soon after Daniel D.I.E.D?' She spelt out the word, and covered Pirate's ears gently. Doubt, and guilt were evident in her voice.

'Don't think of him as a replacement for Daniel, think as him more as...' He searched for an appropriate phrase, or wording. 'As a graduation gift; a 'congratulations on surviving Greendale' present if you will. If Daniel was still with us, I would have still bought you a cat for some bizarre and stupid reason.'

'Thank you Jeff,' she said with sincerity. The cat rubbed up against her arm, purring at the attention being poured his way.

'Don't mention it.'

'Hey! We can dress him up as a pirate for Halloween! I wonder if they make little cat eye patches.'

Jeff rubbed the cat's head, mentally apologising to the little guy about his new life.


End file.
